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Nessie and the Tiger's Eye

poem by John and Helen Porteous

Now to start this story, lets begin where we beginned -
In the Danish port of Aalborg where we joined 'Eye of the Wind'.
We sailed out of the Limfjord, and up the Skaggerak.
The North Sea looked quite choppy, but there was no turning back.
We knew the right direction, when the sun was shining high.
And by night, we sailed by oil rigs, which lighted up the sky.
The skipper's navigation was pretty good, I guess
For late one foggy morning, we sailed into Inverness.

We planned to sail Oban by way of Telford's Cut,
And might have gone straightway, but the bloomin' brigde was shut.
The mooring space was tight - we needed all the room we'd got,
But some ruddy fool was taking up too much space with his yacht.
The side wind when it caught us, made the situation tense.
And then the dolphin striker went and poked right through the fence.

Next morning, after breakfast, we tackled out first lock-
(I'd had two bacon rashers, which came as quite a shock).
We all worked hard with the fenders, and ropes and line until
We cleared the Calli staircase and come out, on top of hill.
We couldn't hoist the mainsail, so we chugged on under power.
Then Tiger said we ought to be in Loch Ness within an hour.

The talk then turned to monsters, and what they might be for -
Do they wear Tam O'Shanters? and do they shout and roar?
And someone showed a furry one they purchased from a store.
Then from the back a little voice said - 'Please, one question more -
Do monsters sleep upon their backs, and tell me, do they snore?'

Some people talked of catching one, and headlines five feet high -
In all the British papers - 'Monster caught by Tiger's Eye'.
So Laura donned her waterproofs, and fastened up the zipper
And went out with a fishing line she'd baited with a kipper.

We scanned the loch with telescope, for sight of Nessie's rump,
But no-one saw a bloomin' thing - and then we felt the bump.
The ship heeled over badly, and someone said 'By heck -
I've dropped the captain's cocoa, and spilt it on deck.'

We wondered what we might have hit, and Tiger scratched his beard.
Then over the starboard side, the monster's head appeared.
'You've given me a headache.' the beast was heard to shout,
'And so I'm going to sink your ship - I'll sort you buggers out.'
'I've got a dicky tummy - I ate a pooly sheep,
and I'm feeling quite tempered,
so I'll sink you in the deep.'

Some passengers were fearful, and some were singing hymns,
And some were writing out their wills, when up steeped Tiger Timbs.
'Now look 'ere,' he said to Nessie, 'I've sailed the seven seas,
And I've put up all me sails, when it's been blowing quite a breeze.
I'm sorry about your headache, and your poorly tummy, too,
But if you think you're going to sink my ship, you'll have to fight the crew.'

There was Ross, and Ben and Tony, bodly standing on the stern -
They'd never fought a monster, but were quite prepared to learn.
There was Ellis with a spanner that he'd brought from down below -
He'd planned to ambush Nessie, and hit her on the toe.
Every man would do his duty - save the ship or die on job.

A sacrificial maiden might just has saved the day
But when the crew suggested it, young Chessie ran away.

But just as were lining up, about to face the slaugher,
When things had gone as black as black, up stepped the captain's daughter.
She brought a slice of birthday cake that Kate the cook had made,
And offered it to Nessie, with a glass of lemonade.
Young Emma's kindly offer made the monster's wrath subside,
And they chatted quite politely as the creature pulled alongside.
We made a first aid dressing from the sheet on Tiger's bed,
And Debbie (Emma's mummy), bandaged the up the creature's head.
A pill was found to cure the creature of her tummy ache,
And feeling quite improved she had another piece of cake.

We parted on the best of terms, and next year - can you guess?
We're visiting our new found friend - THE MONSTER OF LOCH NESS.


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